Truth and Honesty

It's been several months since I've written. I was motivated and excited to share my journey when things were great or just a little hard. When things got extremely hard for me I quite blogging. My writing brings reality and truth to what's going on with me. Things got overwhelming and I wanted to just deal with it on the inside. Not only does this do a huge disservice to me but to everyone who reads my blog too. So I'm laying it all out......

Over the last 4 months I've gained back 8lbs and worse than the weight gain it's the emotional toll the gain and bad eating choices has taken. I keep things in perspective that I have still lost over 100lbs which is amazing! For me I know that when my eating gets a tiny bit off track the slide back down to bad eating is a quick one. In December it started with Christmas cookies one cookie then 10 in a couple days and that's where I went off track and started to spiral down very fast. It's been a daily battle since then and I've not yet been able to conquer it. I'm working on turning to God for comfort instead of the food. This is one area of my life that I am just having such a hard time giving over to him. I know when I finally do it it's going to be so freeing and amazing!!

As I was watching the Biggest Loser last night i had a huge ahaa moment. Bob was talking with Rulan an Olympic gold medalist who is now a contestant on the show. Bob said to him "Rulan you only know extremes. It's all or nothing for you. We have to find a balance for you". I looked at Jason and said that's it! I've always been all out or nothing on my eating and my workouts for years. I've never had a balance. If I wasn't doing something beyond what I thought my body was capable of or some hard core workouts then what was the point in doing anything at all? Eating same thing. If I had a strict small menu to pick from I did great but couldn't handle lots of choices and options. Now I'm not saying this is all bad characteristics they are not. It's determination and perseverance at it's best but when I'm unable to have balance in it that in lies the issue. My focus and prayers are now on balance in my life. Really not sure what that means yet but I'm working on it :-).